One of the things I’ve been working on with my new therapist is trying to determine what I want. I know this seems like an odd thing for most people, I understand that, but for me, it can be a problem. For most of my life, I’ve lived to try and serve others, with a fear of being seen as too selfish. It turns out that I actually need to take more time to focus on myself and make my own decisions about where I want to go in life.
This week, I learned that there is only one person I have to live for: Myself.
When I am asked personal questions about my future, a lot of them are very open-ended. What do you want to do? I don’t know. Where do you want to be in five years? I don’t know. What does your ideal life look like? I don’t know! My indecisiveness is becoming detrimental to myself, and I need to step back and try to figure out exactly what I want to do before it gets much later (because it’s already past “too late” now that I’m in my 30s).
Too much of my life is spent thinking about other people. Whether it’s worrying about the car behind me on the road, internally begging store employees not to talk to me, or feeling obligated to answer all the little questions my mother asks in a day, most of my time and energy is devoted to others. Part of my mental health recovery is to focus on myself instead of others and to stop worrying about what others are going to think about me and my decisions. This is going to take time, but as I’ve mentioned before, recovery is a process. My assignment this week is to try meditation to help my focus shift onto myself and my being. I’m going to install a few apps on my phone and take some time to “turn off” my anxiety and think about myself.